I’ve been married for twelve and a half months now…so I’m basically an expert at all things matrimonial. In honor of my one year anniversary (half a month late), I’m going to give you the secret to a lasting marriage. I figure that I learned about 6,823,146,852 things during this year, but for your convenience, I’ll whittle it down to twelve marriage lessons. You know…so you can tackle one per month. Buckle up.
1. The best time to start an important conversation is when you’re both tired. One of you will fall invariably fall asleep, but then you can just pick it up again the next day. Bonus: Your husband will really enjoy the sound of your voice as he’s trying to fall asleep.
2. Husbands are good at so many things…arranging throw pillows is not one of them. It never will be.
3. If the two of you mutually decide that your husband can get a fun new toy (say a boat or a bow), sometimes you’ll want to get something equally big and fancy for yourself, but it’s not necessary. It’s more fun than you would expect just to watch him be happy. Marriage is not really about keeping even anyway.
4. Even if you have no self control, keep candy in the house if he likes it. Sit on your hands and bite your tongue every time you want to gorge.
5. Go on walks together. It’s fun because he’s basically a captive audience.
6. If you hate working out (or doing anything remotely physical), but he loves it…please understand that he’s not working out to make you look like a fat cow. It’s perfectly okay to sit on the couch and eat cold pizza while he exercises (he probably doesn’t even care).
7. Do not ever run out of squeeze Parkay. Ever.
8. Please do not make your home look like a girl home. Your husband will feel uncomfortable.
9. Go to TJ Maxx alone most of the time. You don’t need a voice of reason telling you how you “don’t need another tea towel” or that “we don’t have a place for that furniture” or that “you don’t need one single other Christmas decoration” or that “you are grounded from buying scarves.”
10. Never, I repeat NEVER, make a spaghetti squash.
11. Your husband does not dictate the number of Christmas trees you put up.
12. Please calm down. In general…about everything. (I’m working on this one.) Husbo will thank you. *BONUS* He will love it if you call him husbo.
If you can stick to these simple lessons, you will someday be a marriage super star like us. *While this is the best advice I have ever read, I am not a counselor and cannot be held liable if you do in fact run out of squeeze Parkay.* Being married is hard…but so fun. And a year is really long…but so short. Do fun things. Love each other. Make him hold your hand. Cuddle very close even when he wants to push you off the couch.